Love. It has been defined a million different way. Some would say it is a feeling while others insist that it is a verb. Some would say it’s a fictional idea, while others will admit they have no idea. Regardless of how it is defined, love has been the purpose of every human pursuit since the dawn of time. Whether we chase money, power, possessions, fame, glory, or affection, we chase what we love. This is ideology is commonly accepted as fact. Unfortunately, it could not be more wrong.

For thousands of years people have taken what is beautiful and made it perverse. There have been those who were given clear sight by grace, but the blind they have continued in their blindness. In this history of the world there has never been a book like the Bible. There have been thousands of interpretations of this text, many of them contradicting other scriptures. Imagine a moving to a country where “yes” meant “no” and “no” meant “yes” and then all the other words were normal English. If you continued to interpret and speak in the old way, nothing would ever make sense and you would end up in a ton of trouble. Instead we must approach cultures in understanding that they see things differently. This is how we must approach the Bible. If we try to see the spiritual through worldly eyes we will see worldly things. This is bad because we are often fooled into thinking the worldly things are spiritual. We think we are pursuing Christ when we’re really running away from Him and then we end up with nothing and blame the Christ we were never truly pursuing. The Bible uses the word love many many times and shows how it is played out but it defines love as this:

(1 John 4:8) “He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”

…and….

(1 John 4:16) “And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.”

These verses tell us two of the most important truths we must grasp to understand love as it is spoken of in the Bible.
1. God is love.
2. Love is God. (he who abides in love abides in God)

John seems to say that their is no distinction between the two. They are not separate things nor can they exist separately. The two are in fact synonymous.

I always knew the first truth, but the second truth caught me off guard. My question was, “then what about Athiests and Muslims that love their children or pursue love? If love is God the don’t they abide in God?”.

In John 14:6 Jesus says, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.”

So if you cannot get to the Father without the Son then it seems that you cannot love without Jesus. We also see in scripture that God is 3; the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. So if God is love and and his three parts are all one then all three parts are love and we cannot have love without all three parts. Therefore, as a prerequisite love must be centered around God, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit to even be called love.

So what is love then apart from God?……Idolatry and this is why. To chose to love apart from God is to withhold from Him. In fact if we have redefined love as God He then love without his involvement would really be hate. This truth is made even greater if we believe in Heaven and Hell. If the purpose of our “love” is not to glorify God by bringing the object of our love closer to God who is love, then we are leading that person away from God and thus forth toward Hell. This is pride: any action that ultimately ends with with self and not God. If we want to understand anything in the Bible we must redefine love as God and everything else as hate.

I’ve never been a fan of the saying “it all comes down to faith”. Originally this was because it was what Christians would say when they didn’t have an answer. Now I just think it’s a very prideful point of view. I say this having used the phrase many times in the past when I too didn’t have an answer. I’m finding more and more though that as apposed to my faith and capability to believe, that rather it all comes down to God; That if He is good, perfect, and love then all he has to do is reveal himself and I will come running. And the more I see that God is love, the more I see that I am an idolater.It’s funny how we often think that both parties have to love God for God to be a part of the relationship. The truth is that if He is not involved through either the purpose of our actions or in conversation than the relationship is an expression of hate for both our friends and our God. I take great comfort in the fact that God doesn’t need me to be a part of His love, but that by grace He indwells me with His Holy Spirit making my life and salvation and expression of love.

Now it’s no wonder why we the majority of marriages fail these days. We live in a world that teaches that love is to put a person at the center of our affection. This is a very unfair thing to do. It is unfair because people are not and cannot be love. That is, unless they are made to be one with God by God, which is what Christianity is all about. Humans are not perfect and to put something imperfect at the center of ones affection, even if that imperfect thing is one’s own self, they will forever be unbalanced and will surely die. This is how the fall of man occurred. Humanity was deceived to think that they could be made like God apart from God in disobedience, and with that one selfish act the world was doomed to die. This is why Christ had to come and be our sacrificial lamb and this is why He is coming again. Love hasn’t lost, but as our faithful book says:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

God is love and if we read the end of the book…Love wins.

To expound upon the thought of God loving us as an expression of His perfect love for Himself, and how that doesn’t make His love for us any less genuine:

- We (the church) are the “bride of Christ”. A good husband loves his wife. To truly love her (love being an action) He must know her, and I mean really know her. He takes the initiative to find out what her turns her on and then he devotes himself to the cause of wooing her. He does what ever it takes to understand her feelings, what it is like to be her, and will do anything to take her load and burdens upon himself. He protects and comforts her. He loves her so passionately, so persistently, and so intimately that she sees the relationship as a grace from God, and if he is a righteous man, he points all praise that might come his way, to God. Together they thank God for allowing them to partake in such a perfect love and know that it is only by His grace and for His purpose that they can do so, and in His purpose they rejoice.
- Jesus, the Son of the Father, fulfills every one of these roles. He knows us because He became one of us. He knows that we have sin such as pride, lust, hate, doubt, insecurity, and are an ultimately broken people. He not only takes all of sin (load) off of his bride and upon Himself, but He gives His bride in return everything good that was lacking. He protects and comforts His bride. He is a perfect example for his bride of how to live, and is the Head of the church (his bride), in that “no one comes to the Father except through [the Son].” Even so, He directs all praise to His Father who sent Him. Through His Holy Spirit, He romances His bride and draws us in to see who He is. He loves His bride so passionately, persistently, intimately, and perfectly while directing us to the Father, that we would praise God for His love. So we see that the result of this radical love for us is that we would worship the Father. So our salvation is although God is loving us perfectly, ultimately it is an expression of His love for Himself. And to partake in the perfect love that is God, is the greatest blessing there is. So this doctrine of all love ultimately being From Him, For Him in no way compromises the fact that He genuinely and passionately loves all whom He saves, but on the contrary makes His love and perfection all the more visible.

Normally one would look at this in reverse to teach husbands and wives what marriage is supposed to look like, but because I the statement that “God is ultimately about His glory first and He love us to express love for Himself”, I found it necessary to display how genuine and full His love for us truly is. In truth we know how to love our spouse only when looking at how Christ loved us. He set the standard and fulfilled/fulfills it…..doesn’t leave much room for pride.

Supporting Scripture:
- Ephesians 5:21-33
- and for evidence of Christ doing those things…The Bible.

(1 John 4:8) “He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”

(Matthew 5:48) “Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.”

                        I want to begin with this that God is love and He is perfect. This is a concept that all Christians claim to believe in, but seeing as I myself am only now grasping it’s meaning, I assume there are others, like myself, who have not fully grasped the meaning of such statements. By grace, and only by grace, God is opening my eyes to the truth of His scripture. I now write to document what has been revealed to me and in hope that others would see, as I am seeing, that the things that seem to contradict each other in scripture truly support each other.

                        So, God is love and He is perfect. The trinity tells us that He is also simultaneously three and one. He is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. So, this God who is three and one, is love and perfect. From this we gather that He is self-sufficient and therefore does not need anything (including humans or love from outside sources). In fact, there is no true love without God, because He is love. This is incredibly comforting to me and here’s why; the gospel.

                        The biggest misunderstanding by Christians is that the gospel is ultimately about us. Although we are a part of it and it is Good News for us, the purpose is something greater. Matt Chandler describes this at God’s “greater will”. This greater will is that “from Genesis to Revelation God is about Himself.” His greater will is His glory. And this is where we get uncomfortable. We live in a consumer world. “The customer is always right”. Basically it is all about us. That is the American mindset, but it is not the gospel nor is it supported by the gospel. This is why Atheists tend to be better evangelists. A lot of them have studied the Bible and seen what appear to be loopholes and dead ends. What they hear from the pulpit does not match what they read in the scriptures, so they assume the scriptures are flawed, rather than seeing that humans are flawed.

                       In his sermon, “Are There Two Will’s In God?”, Matt Chandler provides the following scriptural evidence that God is completely about His glory:

- Romans 4:20-21

- Ezekiel 25:1-9

- Psalm 106:6-8 (saved them for His name’s sake)

- 1 Samuel 12:19-23

- Psalm 23:3 (for His name’s sake)

 - 1 Kings 8:41-45

- 2 Samuel 7:23 (Israel was great so that God might make known His glory)

- Isaiah 48:9-11

 - Malachi 2:2 (He kills to priests because they did not lay it in their hearts to give glory to His name)

 - Ephesians 1:3-6

- Revelation 21:23

                      I could put it in my own words, but I think Matt Chandler does a better job: “So, we gather that we have a God who’s purpose is to glorify God and enjoy Himself forever. He stands supreme at the center of His own affection. For that very reason He is self-sufficient and an inexhaustible fountain of grace.”

                        Now, the issue I had with this thinking/truth initially is that it sounds less like He actually loves me and is instead selfish and sinful Himself. That is the importance of starting this writing where I did. “God is love”. I am so, so, so, so thankful that God loves Himself more than He loves me, and here is why. If I was at the center of God’s affection, I would be God’s god, and He would therefore be reliant on my love for fulfillment, and thus imperfect without my affection. Now if I was perfect too and it was not the trinity but the quad, then this idea would be fine, but because I am flawed I would consistently let God down.

                          The scriptures consistently speak about predestination and free will. Some would argue that these two ideas conflict. I would argue that the opposite.

Predestination/God’s Involvement Scriptures:

- (Romans 9:11) “for the children not yet being born, nor having done any good or evil, that the purpose of God according to election might stand, not of works but of Him who calls.”

- (Romans 9:18) “Therefore He has mercy on whom He wills, and whom He wills He hardens.”

- (Romans 9:22-23) “What if God, wanting to show His wrath and make His power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, that He might make known the riches of His glory on the vessels of mercy, which He had prepared beforehand for glory.”

- (1 John 4:19) “We love because He first loved us.”

- (Ephesians 1:4-5) “Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will”

 - (Romans 8:29-30) “For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.”

                           Above are just a few examples of predestination in scripture. To understand how this doesn’t cancel out free will all goes back to the first two scriptures I referenced that say God is love and He is perfect. If this is true, then regardless of free will, if He reveals Himself to someone, his or her will is going to be to run straight to Him. Why? Because perfect isn’t an opinion. It’s a fact. For example, if you were starving in the desert and I walked up to you and brought you food and water, you would not say, “no thanks, that’s not for me.” You would eat like you’ve never eaten before. That’s what it’s like when God reveals Himself to us except with Him, it’s the greatest tasting food we have ever experienced. The truth is that no analogy can give justice to the gospel because there is nothing like the gospel. It is not that predestination contradicts free will, it is that God is irresistible because He is perfect love, and if He chooses to reveal Himself to us, it will be our desire to run to Him. No one runs from something they recognize to be completely good. However, running to God is not the first response, but instead repentance. I think Isaiah chapter 6 paints the best picture of this. In the chapter, God has just revealed Himself to Isaiah and as Isaiah stands in his presence He responds by saying the following.

(Isaiah 6:5) “Woe is me, for I am undone! Because I am a man of unclean lips, And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; For my eyes have see the King, The Lord of hosts.”

                        Immediately after this a Seraphim flies down and purges him of his sin with a “live coal”. He is forgiven and proceeds to worship, but not through song. God asks in verse 8, “Whom shall I send, and whom will go for us”, and Isaiah says “Here am I! Send me.” So, He wants to worship God (bring Him glory) through service.

                             One of the greatest bumper sticker verses of all time is Romans 10:13 which reads, “Everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” What we have to understand is that we are not initiating contact with God in doing so. “We love because He first loved us.” The fact that we have desire to come to God and to call out for Him, is only because He has loved us first and chosen to reveal Himself to us, to whatever degree He has done so. This is healthy because it cements the fact that we play almost, and perhaps completely, no part in our salvation. We simply respond to perfect love and in this we have no righteous claim to pride or glory.

                                      Finally, to understand all of this we must understand that we do not deserve God’s love in any way, shape, or form. In His eyes, without the blood of Christ, given by His grace, we are disgusting and there is absolutely nothing about us, by nature, that would attract of love like His. This is the idea of total depravity. It is that ever since our first parents ate the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and sinned against God, we have been born into sin that acts as a veil separating us from Him. It is our nature and our choice. We are not holy and we do not love. The love we have is a different kind of love. It is selfish and/or flawed. It is flawed in that without God, we lead the ones we “love” towards us and our hearts go first to them, making gods/idols of humans, which according to Jesus is damnable.

 - (John 14:6) “Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

                            So, if predestination exists and God is love, why is there a hell? The simplest answer, if it were up to us alone we would each choose hell and it’s what we all deserve. We are right in saying God is not fair, for if He were fair all people would go to hell. By definition we could not call it “grace”, if we deserved His love. It would not be the Good News, it would just be. So, God is just and righteous in not loving us. Why then, does He love some? Because when He loves us (reveals Himself to us and forgives us our sins), we give Him glory. Therefore His love for us is an expression of love for Himself. It doesn’t take away from the fact that it loves us. He is true love. We truly don’t deserve Him. The Father truly did send the Son to live as an example for us and die for our sins. And in that we are radically loved in a way far greater than any human could ever love another. But, it doesn’t end with us. The purpose is to express His perfect love for Himself, through loving us and allowing us into His presence, where we choose to worship Him because He chose to reveal Himself to us. We are to unify ourselves with Him, by Him, in His purpose to love Him, and the opportunity to partake in such a love is the most fulfilling experience there is. I have been saved from the hell I deserve, and would have run to if He had not revealed Himself to me. Seeing as I am not God and am not knowledgeable of who He wants to save, I am to called to love ALL people equally and hope and pray that God would reveal Himself to people through my loving them. My conclusion and prayer is that He would use my life as an expression of His perfect love for Himself. I am only twenty years old and have found the meaning of life. I pray that all who read this would see what I have seen, by god’s insurmountable grace. Love you guys and God bless!

I am a complicated person, with simple needs. No I am not a woman. I am very much not a woman. I am, in fact, a man. And now that we have cleared up that matter we can move on to specifics questions. Like, what makes me complicated? What are my needs? I prefer to answer the second question first. What do I need? Just Love (the capitalized kind(the Jesus kind)). It’s simple. But I, however, am complicated. And naturally so, being created in the image of my Father in Heaven. I do not imagine that a simple being created the Universe. The difference, He is a perfectly complicated, whereas many of my complications, though not all, are results of the state of depravity I was born into.

I was in Dallas this past weekend, visiting two good friends of mine, Andrew Price and Josh Hughes, at Dallas Baptist. It was kind of a last minute trip, as most of mine are, not because I don’t plan, but becuase there is only a small pocket in most people’s lives when it is acceptable to practice the art of spontanuity, and I don’t plan on wasting it. I could bore you with the details of everything I did, from longboarding down big hills, and free running, but I think I will skip to the important stuff.

This morning we attended a satelite campus of The Village Church. The church as a whole was very impressive, just in appearance, at least on the inside, as many Bible Belt Churches tend to be, but this level of excellence, transferred over to the worship, and likewise to the preaching. The pastor, Matt Chandler, I had only heard once before, on a podcast that Brian McCormack posted on his blog. I remembered it vaguely, but not enough to have expectations. The sermon was out of 1 John and it was about confession and repentence and was one of the best sermons I’ve ever heard. After the convicting sermon, they closed in two worship songs, as I wept in my seat. I don’t say that to make you think that I am incredibly spiritual. In fact, I wept because I am far less spiritual, than I should be. I wept because a man died for me, and I go on consistantly choosing myself first. God is my father, and I am his spoiled brat, but he still loves me. And that is a reason to weep. For everytime I look at Jesus, I look at myself in the mirror probably ten more times. I view my blessings, as my possessions, but the truth is that nothing belongs to me. My life does not reflect that belief.

 The closing song was “You Hold Me Now”, a new song written by Hillsong United. I heard it once before and wasn’t super impressed by it. I have not idea why. I’m stupid.

I love driving home from church. There is something about being in a car after church, God just tends to teach me stuff when in those times. Why, I don’t know, but he does. As I drove home, I listened to a mixture of Hillsong and Jon Foreman. I don’t remember what song or when I had this little revelation of sorts, but somewhere along the way God gave me a thought, or rather a lense. Grace. Suddenly I began to see everything through the lense of Grace. For instance, Matt Chandler, one might hear him preaching and think, “Matt is so Holy and awesome”, ironically following a message preached about how not awesome he is, and how much he needs God. Through the lense of Grace I began to see Matt’s ability to understand, live out, and teach scripture, as a testimony of God’s grace. It is by grace that Jesus will use someone like us to do his work. This is not a new idea, it’s probably common sense to many of you, but to me it is a new understanding. The more I recognize my wickedness, the more I recognize grace, the more I understand the size of His love. It is ridiculous, because I do not live in a way remotely deserving the kind of love and grace I am constantly receiving, but as Matt said today, “we reach spiritual maturity and growth via repentance”. So let it be known, I suck. But that’s okay, he’s going to get me through it. Love you guys and it is a testimony of His grace that I know any of you!

Hey Mr. Upside Down, you’re not foolin’ anyone

Can’t get back on the ground, the ceilings low and you’ve been found

Swallow your pride, and let someone inside

 

I know you say you don’t believe

You don’t believe in love

But could it be you’ve never seen

You’ve never seen love

You’ve never seen True Love

 

Well Mr. Right Side Up if  love’s real tell me this

Why I’ve been left alone by every girl I’ve kissed

She said she’d always love me until death do us part

Then turned me upside down, gave me all my things but kept my heart

See I used to believe, but I was just naïve

 

This thing we call love

It’s supposed to last

But just like us, one day it dies

Can you explain that?

 

Yes Mr. Upside Down I believe I can

There’s something about me I don’t think you understand

I once was just like you, upside down alone

One day I looked up, asked for help, and saw a man

He gave me His hand, showed me something grand

And now love I understand

 

And I know you don’t believe

You don’t believe in Love

The truth is, you’ve not received

You’ve not received Love

Not that Love

Not His love

I hope you two meet each other soon

But Love will wait for you

Then Love will make you new

Twenty years ago to this date I breathed my very first breath, and shed my first tear. The more I say that the stranger and more ridiculous it sounds. It can’t be true…but it is. I guess it’s cool. This is my prime, they say, but yet I don’t want it to be. I thought my prime was supposed to feel different. I’m supposed to feel “strong” and “invincible”. I think a lot of that stuff is recognized in hindsight. I mean, sure there are people who feel strong and invincible in their twenties, but I think for most people they just think back to when they were twenty and in comparison to their current mindset, it feels like they were invincible back then. It’s kind of like how me and my friends always reminisce about the “good old days when there was stuff to do” but the truth is, back in those days a lot of the time we would just reminisce about “the good old days when there was stuff to do”.

I just watched the movie Watchmen for my first time and to be honest I found the plot along with the CGI to be surprisingly remarkable. I hadn’t heard tons of good things about the movie, mostly negative remarks about the sex scenes, but minus the sex I thought it was an incredible movie. The Doctor Manhattan stuff is probably what intrigued me the most and got me thinking about God.

Like I said, it was twenty years ago that I breathed my first breath, and shed my first tear, but I believe more was happening in that room then could be seen through the eyes of the room’s inhabitants. That is, life was given to me, by the giver, a gift I find myself more and more thankful for as years pass. But not even that concludes what was happening, because even as I was being born, I was not yet alive, but my Father in heaven was beginning his plan to bring me to reconciliation. My whole life was leading to one moment; one surrender, and at that moment my life received mission and purpose, even if I was not fully aware of it, because with surrender comes salvation, and with salvation comes commission. That was the moment when I truly began to live and to breathe. God has always had a plan for me, and that plan was birthed in a love for me, and for the world. I find joy in that truth, that God chose to create me, among all of His creations, regardless of how much effort it took Him, He chose to make me and love me.

 I wonder why, sometimes. I say this not in a shameful tone, but I do not understand, perhaps cannot understand, why my perfect God, who is love, who has community amongst Himself, being three and one all at once, would chose to create us, humans. If something is perfect, why change it, why add to it? As far as we know we don’t complete God, that would be to say we are God, and that is a bold and sinful statement. Could it be that creation is a part God’s perfection and His nature, that in creating He is just exercising perfection, and that creation is a fruit of Love? That is to say, that just by continuing in existence God naturally creates. But that would make our creation natural, and therefore not a choice, and without choice there can be no love, and God is love. Maybe before doing any of this we need to define perfection. The dictionary defines perfection as “lacking nothing essential to the whole”, needing nothing. God is lacking nothing essential to be complete. We can also draw from this, that God has all things within Himself that He needs. He existed before us and was perfect before us, so we don’t complete Him. Now we must define love. Love is to choose another’s well being above one’s own. The Bible says, “God is love”. Could it be that he is perfect and complete because God loves and by creating us, which is an act of love in itself, He gave Himself more opportunity to love? That is, He doesn’t need us to love, but chose to love us, and without us he would go on loving and continue to be perfect.

I might never fully understand why God chose to create the Human race when He was already perfect, but I am thankful that he did. I am loved and far more than I deserve. I have been loved for all twenty years that I have lived, all the way back to when God created Adam, and probably even before them. I guess I do feel a little bit invincible, or at least protected by someone who is. I definitely have reason to celebrate today, but for now I will sleep. God bless!

Today is the day after. I’ve had a lot of “day afters” in my life, some good, some far from good. Today is good. Today is the day after I got my first tattoo.

I’m in Austin right now in my friends, Taylor and Primo’s, apartment. I drove up here Friday night, ind of a spur of the moment decision and today is Saturday morning, and in an hour or two I will be heading home.

I’ve been contemplating getting a tattoo for a long time and been talking about getting this one for a few months. Randomly I would turn to my buddies and say “wanna go get tattoos?” That’s pretty much how this happened. So I looked up what I wanted, researched it, and we headed down to Sailor’s Grave.

When we walked in there were stairs you had to take, giving me the impression it was gonna be some creepy old man’s house. It turned out to be the nicest tattoo parlor I’ve ever been in, in what used to be a loft apartment, complete with an ikea fashioned waiting lounge + plasma.

After talking with them I found out I could have them draw the tattoo on my arm just to see if I like it, before I decide my fate. Before that though we had to sit and wait for Charlie the man who was supposed to be doing. They worked in shifts and apparently, although he was out to lunch, it was Charlie’s turn.

While waiting a creature appeared to have come through the door. Wait, no, a man. Was this Charlie?

The man had ears drooped almost down to his shoulders, more piercings than a African tribal warrior, and multiple tats to the face. He was not Charlie. But he appeared to be a nice guy.

Charlie finally showed up, and he brought news. He had done a tattoo that morning, so it was Christine’s turn (the girl I had been talking with the whole time). Honestly I wasn’t upset at all. It gave me more time to think about it.

After much consultation and meditation I decided the print tattoo that was on my arm was destined to become permanent and with that we began. That tattoo was going to be in greek letters, spelling the word Tetelstai, which translates to “it is finished”.

I didn’t know what to think. I imagined it would hurt but the pain wouldn’t excruciating.

The word excruciating, root word “cruci”, actually was invented to describe the pain of death on a cross. There were no words previous that could justly describe a pain like that. About a third of the way through my tattoo I began to think about that pain. I had one needle in my skin. Christ had flesh ripped from him. I thought about what he did for me and in prayer handed my pain over to him. I knew it would be over soon and though the pain got worse as the needle carved it’s way to the inside of my arm, it was no match for my savior. Pain is real, but is not eternal, it is not binding. I thought of what I now have because of his sacrifice and i could not help but rejoice in my heart, in the middle of my pain. It was an incredible experience. I thought about the meaning of this absolute word, “tetelestai”, finished forever. This tattoo would mark the end of living for myself, the end of certain struggles, and the beginning of a new devotion to Christ.

Now I have a tattoo. It’s a weird realization, like the time I went skydiving. I’m still not sure it was real. The weirdest and probably the coolest thought is that this will be on my arm when I say my wedding vows, when I hold my first born child, when I sign the papers for my first mortgage, when I shake the hand of my daughters first boyfriend (assuming I have a daughter), and all the way until I leave this body and make my way to eternity. This is as permanent as the scar on my neck…haha I got a tattoo.  Good choice? Yes sir.

This is a poem (to be read with music played behind it.) It might be grammatical nightmare, but I’m not to worried about that. A guy named Bradley Hathaway who does beat poetry came to edge camp this week and inspired me to give it a try. I might just make it a song but I don’t know if thats do-able. Anyway this is a poem about when I went skydiving.

Today I rode on God’s back.
I was sitting in the flying box as we rose higher and higher and higher to 13000 feet according to the man with the wings. There we would catch our next ride and inside I’m screaming, not believing that I’ve put myself here in my greatest fear. I can see the clouds parallel to my focused eyes, focused on not being afraid, focused on accepting that what is, is and what will be, will be, and that I am His, Yours. I’m not in control and neither is the man with the wings and that can be my fear or my comfort. My support lies in You who gives me free will. But still I think “what if You don’t't want me to do this? What if this whole thing is just stupid.” I trust You. And I trust that trusting You is loving You and loving You is a ticket. And if I kick it, this bucket, well then I’m really gaining. So now I’m here standing at a door, heart racing, palpitating, and the heavens roar. The man with the wings says to wave so I do then I look out at a world so big, so gorgeous, so majestic. And then I jump, more of a fall, but I land on Your back. Connected to the man with the wings, of course. The wind doesn’t sting, but it stretches my face. And I think it’s amazing and beautiful and terrifying and stupid. I’m so sporadic but You, You are in control. I wish my whole life was like this moment, I can’t control it. One choice already made; I can’t take it back. I’m Yours. And I’m still kind of afraid because I’m only human, and I’m falling through the clouds, but while I fall I sing, hoping you will hear that my last words, if these are they, were praises of your glory. You see, I love you. Whether I live or die, I love you. You are my joy. I trust You. Well, my shoot opens and for a second it feels like I left the man with the wings but then I settle. I’m going to live, because of You, with You, for You. I trust You. We’re still pretty high but now my fall is a glide and the man with the wings is giving me a try at guiding the descent. I’m spent. My arms are like noodles, limp and lifeless, contradictory to my heart. I’ve never felt so alive, or so appreciated the gift that is life. And as we land I lift my feet to land on my bottom but I can’t lift quite high enough so we do on foot. As my feet touch the ground I still can’t believe I did it. We did it. You did it. I trust You and want to know You more. Beacause now I know what the rain feels like as it falls. And I know the sounds that the wind calls. I know why the clouds where fluffy clothes, because it’s cold. I know the freedom of absolute surrender and the joy that comes from somewhere outside of forever. I know these things because I trusted You.
Today I rode on God’s back.

I started writing this during the prayer time we had yesterday with the highschoolers. It’s kinda my prayer right now and probably will be for life. I don’t kow exactly why I’m posting this but maybe it’ll strike a chord with someone, and maybe my prayer will be yours too.

I long to touch the holes in your hands
to feel your love poured out
that maybe I could truly die
and leave behind my doubts

I long to look into those eyes
they’re looking down on me
So rich with love, a selfless love
by which I’ve been redeemed

Chorus:
In all my life I’ve never known
a love like this I see
for this I long, alove so strong
a love that died for me

I long to hear the sound of love
the voice that saved my soul
to feel the breath, that conquered death
I live for that alone

Forgive me Lord for falling short
of the life to which I’m called
You always do, so now to you
Lord I surrender all

Chorus:
In all my life I’ve never known
a love like this I see
for this I long, a love so strong
a love that died for me

Now in the skies, a radiant light
You’re coming back again
You’re people sing, receive their king
Yes, love is in the end.

Honestly, this song is not a testament of any skill I have. It’s nothing but a response to something greater, something that has saved my life. Someone who died for me and you. It doesn’t have a name so if you have any ideas feel free to throw’em my way. Love you guys.

It’s been a long while since I have written anything. I have wanted to but I just haven’t felt compelled. Today I feel compelled to write for two reasons. The first: When I write down the things that God teaces me it keeps me from forgetting them. The second: I hope that if anyone else is in the place where I have been lately, that I could pass along what God has shown me tonight.

I’ve been feeling unsettled lately in my relationship with God. Until tonight I had no idea what that was, I’ve just felt like I’ve been missing something. Aout 20 minutes ago I was sitting here in the church office thinking about God and listening to some Jon Foreman. I’ve been wanting so much lately to just be completely overwhelmed by the love of Christ and to have a “God moment”. That’s usually a good place to be, but it shouldn’t be something you set up. Tonigh tGod reminded me he doesn’t need my set up for his work. I started thinking about that and then praying, trying to make sense of what I felt God was saing to me. My conclusion, although I can’t remember how exactly I got there, was that I have been going to God with an agenda raher than for an agenda for at least a month. By that I mean I ‘ve been bringing him my junk, asking him questions, worshiping him when I feel the need to worship, praing when I need to pray, reading when I need to read, and but listening for things I expect to hear, listening for responses, forgetting he can innitiate the conversation. That’s a dangerous place to be. Pride is the root of sin, and pride is selfish. I am sinful in nature. It’s amazing how natural it is to make it about ourselves. It’s amazing how when trying to serve God, our natural pride makes us think we are the paid captain of the boat God owns, and he just chooses to be our first mate. Pretty much the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever heard, but I find myself constantly falling back into tht place where I’m trying to lead the relationship.

Jeremy Woodley recently told me a story about when he worked at disney world. He drove the tour bus thing for the safari and would teach everyone facts about the animals. Well one day Jeff Corwin, the animal planet guy, ended up on his tour. Unable to give his job to Jeff, Jeremy was then forced via employment, to drive Jeff around telling him facts about animals he probably knew more about then Jeremy. I feel like that’s where I’ve been. “God let me tell you about your love…” Rather than “God I really don’t understand your love. I wish I did. I’m open to it completely. I know I need it and I know I need you. Please help me. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. Tell me anything you’re willing to tell me. I’m lucky just to be able to talk to you. Thank you Lord for my life and the day you gave yours. I’m listening, not just now, I’m always listening”. That’s where I wanna be.